Einde van die jaar

Vandag is (uiteindelik) my laaste werksdag vir 2006!
(En hierdie sal dan ook my laaste post vir 2006 wees.)

Gedurende die eerste week van my twee weke vakansie, gaan ek die Kersgety saam die familie spandeer en daarna nog 'n week net vir myself.

'n Week waarin ek soveel moontlik tyd met myself wil spandeer. Annelie-tyd, soos ek dit noem. 'n Tyd waarin ek sommer net wil rondry en foto-geleenthede soek; uitkom by al die boeke wat ek gedurende die jaar gekoop het maar nooit tyd gehad het om te lees nie; en al die goed wat in my kop is neerskryf. En dan natuurlik die gewone clichè-agtige, maar baie nodige einde-van-die-jaar retrospeksie...

Die tyd waarin ek alles wat ek in 2006 gedoen het en besluite wat ek geneem het gaan evalueer. Ek gaan nou nie my polse afkou oor die verkeerde besluite of die foute wat ek gemaak het nie, net daaroor besin sodat ek dit nie weer doen nie of volgende keer anders hanteer. En selfs nadink oor die 'beter' foute - die soortvan right kind of wrong' foute.

Maar vir eers, wil ek nog nie te veel daaroor dink nie - dis immers nog 'n week voor ek beplan om daarby uit te kom. Ek wil nie nou al te ernstig raak nie, ek wil nou net die vrede en vreugde en gees van Kersfees indrink en die liefdevolle saamwees met familie geniet.

Mag elkeen wat my na aan die hart lê Kersfees saam hul geliefdes geniet en mag die seën wat dit bring, regdeur 2007 met jul wees.

Melville vyfuur

Daar is ‘n buzz in die lug soos die hip en trendy van Johannesburg op ‘n bewolkte Melville se strate begin toesak. Dis vyfuur en die area begin lewe. Die tafels en stoele op die sypaadjies voor die talle quaint en queer restaurante begin volraak. Ek hou die mense dop en dink ‘n storie vir elk van hulle uit.

Twee sakemanne sit agteroor en maak hul dasse los terwyl hulle vir hul drankies wag. Beide hou hul baadjies aan – daar is ‘n byt in die lug. Die blonde een steek rustig ‘n sigaret op en dis vir my duidelik dat hulle net wil ontspan na ‘n harde dag en vergeet dat daar iets soos ‘n kantoor of moeilike kliente is.

Entjie verder sit nog twee sakemanne, maar hier is geen teken van gemaklik raak en dasse afhaal nie. Die kleiner geboude een van die twee neem leiding met bestellings toe die kelner kom hoor wat hulle wil drink. Ek wonder of hy ‘n potensiele klient onthaal en hom probeer sagmaak om maar tog daardie kontrak te teken.

Skielik is die middelpunt van belangstelling ‘n smeulende donkerkop in ‘n bloedrooi broekpak – naelpolitoer, handsak en lipstiffie met presiesie gekies om perfek daarby te pas. Sy stap met ‘n afgemetenheid na die eerste tafel van die restaurant langsaan en haar lippe vertrek in ‘n breë glimlag toe hulle oogkontak maak. Dis duidelik die blye weersiens van geliefdes.

So verkyk ek my aan groepies wat kuier of die wat alleen met ‘n laptop by ‘n tafel sit en werk. Ek wonder oor elkeen se lewe en werk en in my verbeeldingwereld maak ek ‘n storie oor elkeen op.

So verander vyfuur in skemer en die mense begin hul rekeninge betaal en plek maak vir die aand-crowd. Hiermee saam verander die atmostfees – nie sleg nie, maar anders. Want niks kom by die vibe in Melville om vyfuur nie.

gunsteling plekke

Hier is 'n paar van my gunsteling plekke - nie net oor dit alles ongelooflik mooi is nie, maar ook oor die herinneringe wat ek aan die plekke het.

West Malling in Kent op die Engelse platteland
Mpumalanga

Sorento in Italie
Die Skotse Hooglande
Parys, Frankryk

St Katherine's dock in London
Die Tuinroete aan die Kaapse Suidkus

Tree of Light

Die Tree of Light en ander Kersliggies is gisteraand aangeskakel by die Johannesburgse dieretuin.

Ek is mos nie regtig een vir Kersversierings nie, maar die Tree of Light wat uit 10 000 gloeilampe bestaan en 22 meter hoog is, is nogals iets om te sien.

nog tragedie

Dit voel of die tragedie rondom ons net nie ophou nie.

'n Kollega wat oor minder 'n maand sou trou se verloofde is die naweek tragies in 'n motorongeluk oorlede. Sy het haar hele lewe saam met hom beplan en aan die vooraand daarvan gestaan. Hoe tel jy die stukke op en gaan aan? Hoe kom jy verby daardie dag en die rok in die kas? Hoe kom jy alleen deur die Kerstyd. Hoe kom jy deur 'n lewe? Daar is maar net nie antwoorde nie.

My innige meegevoel aan Bernice vir haar groot verlies. Mag die herinneringe aan hom, jou 'n hele leeftyd lank herinner aan die kosbare en mooi dinge en tye wat julle gedeel het. En mag die Heilige Gees self jou troos wees in hierdie tyd.

inspiration II

During a creative writing course I did while at university, the professor (an acclaimed South African writer) used to say that there is no such thing as 'needing inspiration'. It is a matter of sitting down and write. Thus, merely putting one word after another... the exact same thing I came across in a couple of books on writing.

I beg to differ – I need inspiration.

I recently asked myself the question of whether it is a case seeking for inspiration or does it have to come to you. I came to the conclusion that it has to come to you – seeing or hearing something that opens your mind to a new direction and leads you to something you just have to write down immediately.

I found seeking for inspiration very uninspiring and forced. I don’t want to go out and look for inspiration, however going out and looking, usually leads to inspiration. Although not intentionally seeking inspiration, you have to keep you eyes and hears open for when it might come to you.

This posting started out as a single sentence comment on another blogger’s posting, and turned into a posting of my own. This is proof of my point that accidentally stumbling across a few words by someone else could inspire you to write down your own thoughts on the subject. Also see my previous posting on inspiration.

I am quite convinced this won't be my last word on the subject :)

Time well-spent

I strongly believe in something I call Annelie-time. This is time dedicated to myself. It is always spent alone and could take on many forms. It could be time pampering or spoiling myself. But more often than not it is time spent on doing something for my soul and setting my mind free of things that have been troubling me.

Sometimes it would be watching a movie on my own. This would be to totally relax and switching off from the world around me; not caring if the movie makes me cry of laugh so loud that people might stare at me.

Other times I would take a book or newspaper somewhere like Magnolia Dell – sitting under the trees and read. Or I would treat myself to a cappuccino while filling pages and pages with my thoughts. Or I would go for a walk to just clear my mind. A while ago I went on a week-long road trip on my own and I felt so liberated and free – just me and my thoughts on the road. Then again, it is just as fulfilling to lock my doors, draw the curtains and switch off my phone and spend uninterrupted time with my thoughts and feelings.

Sometimes Annelie-time entails something creative like putting colourful oil paint on a canvass or using delicate glass beads to make a necklace. However, I am not always producing something during Annelie-time but mostly its the inspiration to do so.

Julia Cameron, author of The Artist’s Way, calls this time The Artist Date. She proposed this as a tool to opening yourself to insight, inspiration and guidance. She says that spending quality time alone let you connect with your inner child and inner artist. She suggests spending about two hours per week doing things like: visiting a junk store; take a solo trip to the beach; watching an old movie; visiting an aquarium or an art gallery; go to a strange church to hear gospel music; or go to an ethnic neighbourhood to taste foreign sights and sounds. The list goes on and on with things I like to do or should to do during Annelie-time.

I found a link titled ‘Me’ Time on Oprah’s website – one of my great inspirations in life. Here she gives stress-busting tips to take care of yourself, five books she thinks everyone should read to change your understanding of the world, audio meditations to get in touch with your soul, quotes of inspiration to open your heart and ways to transform the quality of your life. All this ‘Me’ Time tips she gives are things for your soul - the kind of things I would do during Annelie-time.

wat maak dit tog saak?

Ek lees die woorde van 'n lied byna vergete, maar tog so bekend vir my en my oë is skielik vol trane by die gedagte aan die herinneringe ... en ek besef dat net soos gister, maak trane nie meer saak nie...

Is jy oud of is jy jonk, nugter of dronk?
Van kleins af al geleer om op ‘n stage te pronk
Is jy wit of is jy swart, bruin of rooi?
In ‘n hoed of in ‘n jas, jou beste baadjie getooi

Makiesakie. Buite makiesakie my mens. Buite makiesakie

Het ek jou al gesê dat ek vir jou wil hê?
Het ek jou al vertel ek’s meer as net jou pêl?
Hoekom het jy gesê die rook het weer gaan lê?
Hoekom het jy vertel dis die hemel, toe’s dit al die tyd die hel?

Makiesakie. Gister makiesakie my mens. Gister makiesakie

Die wereld se dinge en die rook se ringe.
Jy soek na lewensbrood, want binne voel jy dood
Van gister tot vandag het jy lekker gelag,
maar jou oë voel vuil en jy begin te huil

Makiesakie. Trane makiesakie my mens. Trane makiesakie

Theuns Jordaan

Makiesakie

things i've done

I got this email today listing 150 things ... the instruction was to highlight / bold the things you have done. I will edit my list as time passes and things change. However, I am definitely not aiming to tick off everything on this list as I have (for instance) no intention to pet a cockroach...

1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with dolphins
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
8. Said "I love you" and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an expert
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Eaten fugu (pufferfish)
89. Had a one-night stand
90. Gone to Thailand
91. Bought a house
92. Been in a combat zone
93. Buried one/both of your parents
94. Been on a cruise ship
95. Spoken more than one language fluently
96. Performed in Rocky Horror Picture Show
97. Raised children
98. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Ridden a bike
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for sleep for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey
135. Selected one important author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life

Noem mens dit nog Kersfees?

Wanneer en hoe en hoekom het Kersfees so gekommersialiseerd geraak? Hoekom is die winkelsentrums reeds van vroeg in Oktober af vol Kersversierings en weerklink Kersliedere in ons ore? Hoekom het dit net manier geword om winsvlakke te verhoog? 'n Rede om toe te gee aan die begeerte om sekere materiele goed te besit? Die verskoning vir magdom partytjies waartydens daar heeltemal te veel geëet en gedrink word?

Wat het geword van die ware gees van Kersfees? Die vrede en vreugde van die grootste geskenk ooit - wat niks te doen het met 'n boom vol liggies of winskope nie?

tragedie

Ek lees hoe 'n vriendin oor die selfmoord van 'n kollega skryf en skielik is dit ekstra koud om my en diep in my. Soms dink ek dit gaan sleg met my, maar nog nooit het ek op daardie punt gestaan waar ek geen lig gesien het en totaal sonder hoop was nie. Mag hierdie tragedie ons oë en ore en harte oopmaak vir die wat woordeloos om hulp roep.

My innige meegevoel aan elkeen wat die verlies van Michelle se dood moet verwerk.

om te groet ...

Hoe sê mens vir iemand baai?

Veral as dit jou vriendin is wat jy elke dag gesien het. Nie net het julle saamgewerk nie, maar julle het vriendinne geword. Julle het mekaar se lief en leed en lewe gedeel.

Ek gaan dit mis dat sy foto’s van haar kinders vir my wys en vertel watse oulike goed hulle doen. Ek gaan dit mis om haar opinie oor werksgoed te vra. Ek gaan dit mis om haar raad oor lewensdinge te vra. Ek gaan dit mis om saam met haar praatjies te maak oor lawwighede. Ek gaan dit mis om my hart uit te praat oor die dinge wat tel. Ek gaan haar lag en haar glimlag en haar grappies mis. Ek gaan haar simpatieke oor en haar hart vir mense mis.

Suretha, ek gaan jou baie mis. Maar ek weet dis darem nie asof ek jou nooit weer gaan sien nie. Ek beskou ons vriendskap as diepgewortel en heg ongelooflik baie waarde daaraan. Baie dankie dat jy altyd daar is as ek 'n skouer of 'n oor nodig het. En baie dankie vir alles wat ons kon deel.

Jy is ‘n vriendin duisend!

spinnerakke

'n Dreigende storm jaag my na binne. En al wat my binne te doen staan is om die spinnerakke, wat my maande lank al vanuit 'n hoek uitlag, af te stof. Maar ek is te bang vir wat ek vasgevang in die web gaan vind. Stof. Vlieë. Muggies. Motte.

En heel agter, in die verste, donkerste hoek, dreigend soos 'n monster wat my gaan gryp as ek nader kom, 'n groot, swart, harige spinnekop. Die een wat ek heeltyd vermy. Die een waar om ek afstof en skoonmaak. Die een waarvoor ek te bang is om te naby te kom. Die een wat my maande lank tart. Die een wat my laat wonder wat hy reeds alles verslind het sonder dat ek dit agtergekom het. Die een wat vir my gaan loer en lag tot ek die dag die guts het om hom met Doom te spuit of met 'n tekkie teen die muur te vermorsel.

Daarom vermy ek die taak. Weereens. Maak of ek dit nie sien nie. Maak of dit nie bestaan nie. Maar ek weet ook dat hoe langer ek uitstel hoe digter word web toegespin. Hoe meer goed word daarin vasgevang. En hoe moeiliker is dit om die harige spinnekop in die hoek uiteindelik uitgeroei te kry.

teleurstelling

Naas verwerping kan ek my nie 'n slegter menselike emosie voorstel as teleurstelling nie. Daardie absoluut gevoel van magteloosheid dryf my altyd tot selfondersoek.

Wanneer dit teleurstelling in myself is, is die selfondersoek diep gewortel in selfkritiek. Ek vra oneindig baie vrae... waar ek verkeerd gegaan? Hoekom het ek die of daai besluit geneem? Hoe gaan ek dit volgende keer benader om 'n ander uitkoms te verseker? Maar in 'n mate is dit darem opbouend - ek kan dalk iets daaruit leer om dinge volgende keer op 'n ander manier te hanteer.

Maar wanneer dit teleurstelling in ander mense is, is dit 'n verslaendheid wat selfondersoek eerder soos selfverwyt laat lyk. Ek is ongelukkig en selfs briesend kwaad vir myself. Hoe kon ek ooit toelaat dat iemand so groot indruk op my maak dat die teleurstelling so verskriklik groot is wanneer hulle iets doen wat ek die minste verwag? Iets wat my so diep skok? Hoe kon ek so blind wees vir hul foute? Wat is fout met my oordeel? Die vrae hou net nie op nie, want sien, hier gaan dit nie oor wat ek anders kon doen nie - dit gaan oor hoe ek anders kon wees. In my denke en in my oordeel. En ek verwyt myself omdat ek so blind of dom kon wees om sekere dinge nie te sien of te snap nie. Of hoe ek so naïef kon wees om elke woord te glo wat vir my vertel is. En dan is die teleurstelling eintlik (weer) in myself...

inspiration

Yesterday the smell of a hot summer Sunday afternoon made its way into my house, accusing me of being indoors.
Not just for letting a gorgeous day pass me by, but letting so many opportunities to be inspired go by. Being outside could have led to so many creative inspirations.

The sound of birds singing on the tune of the wind’s whisper through the leaves while a single sunray sneaks through them could have inspired me to write about the perfect harmony in which they create a wonderful display for me to watch.

The pale pink skirt of a young girl feeding a gray dove close to the clear pond surrounded by a sea of green grass could have inspired me to plant thick blobs of rainbow-coloured oil paint on a canvass.

A solitary old man reading his newspaper on a park bench beneath an oak tree could have inspired to me use the light on his face and the shadows in his eyes to my advantage in capturing the scene on film, creating a picture worth a thousand words.

But I didn’t write anything.
I didn’t paint anything.
I didn’t photograph anything.

Instead, I was sitting indoors, wondering why I didn’t feel inspired to write or paint or take pictures.

scary stuff...

Remember the Sunscreen song (Baz Luhrmann’s Everybody's Free)? I heard it on the radio this morning and thought ‘this is the first time in ages I am hearing it. I should listen to the words carefully’. And so I did. Afterwards the presenter said that he also hadn’t heard it in probably five years and also listened to the words carefully. He said that after all these year, the words suddenly had so much more meaning than he remembered. And so it did for me.

Read the lyrics again and see just how true it became after all these years…

What caught my attention the most was the phrase: ‘Do one thing everyday that scares you’.

The thing is, you see, a while ago I decided to do something creative every single day for the rest of this year. And that scares me. I never know where my creativity might lead me to and I perceive the unknown as a bit scary. There is no plan, no map and no recipe because you don’t plan your creativity. It just happens. You’ll never know where it would take you unless you take that step into the unknown. For me, doing something creative everyday means doing something that scares me everyday.

To state the point I am trying to get at, my writing here (as a form of my creativity) led my thoughts into a whole new direction. As I said, there is now guide as to where our creativity could lead, but so there aren’t for many other things in life. Like love. And life itself. But if life doesn’t scare me that much, why does love? Why am I so scared to love?

Is it because I will have to give and show too much of myself? Or is it of what I could loose? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I need to do one thing everyday that scares me to be able to live life fully.

paintings

Hierdie is een van my persoonlike gunstelinge onder my eie werk. Op 'n manier sê dit nogal iets van myself.

clichè?

Waarskynlik, ja.

Want sien, so gryp die sentiment my toe mos nou al vroeg in Oktober en ek vra myself: waar is die afgelope 274 dae heen? Die eerste reën het vandag geval – ter bevestiging van dit wat ek dink. Ek stap in Woolies in en die eerste Kers-display is voor my – dan ek weet vir ‘n feit: hierdie jaar is in sy moer in.

Dis wanneer ek begin retrospeksie doen asof dit 31 Desember is. Die afgelope nege maande het my in meer as een opsig uit my gemaksone geruk; my lewe het so baie verander; ek het soveel mense sien gaan; en daar was baie dinge wat aan my hart kom gryp het. Maar tog het my lewe presies dieselfde gebly en het ek self nie veel gedoen nie.

En skielik slaan dit my soos ‘n hamer tussen die oë: hierdie jaar is nog nie verby nie. Daar is nog 91 dae oor om iets van te maak – om te lewe! Ek moet my oë oopmaak, opspring en begin dinge doen! 91 dae gaan in ‘n oogwink verbyvlieg. En onder geen omstandighede mag ek op 31 Desember steeds staan presies waar ek vandag is nie. Ek kan nie toelaat dat 274 gemorste dae 365 gemorste dae word nie.

Ek moet die paintings begin maak waarvan die prente reeds in my kop is. Ek moet die gedigte begin skryf wat in my pen le. Ek moet die liedere begin sing waarvan die woorde betekenis dra. Ek moet die natuur begin raaksien wat daar buite is. Ek moet begin deel raak van die wêreld wat daar buite is. Ek moet begin liefde bewys aan die mense wat in my hart is. Ek moet begin dans op die maat van die lewe.

om te begin...

Hierdie gaan dien as 'n plek waar ek so bietjie van myself vir die wêreld gaan wys, waar ek af en toe my gedagtes gaan 'journalise' en foto's van my doen en late gaan opsit.